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“New” Year December 31, 2008

Filed under: Dear Diary... — Ms.M @ 11:14 am

A new year, ever the symbol of new beginnings. I’m not one to think a new year should have resolutions attached to it, but there are some, dare I say, goals and aspirations that I’ve definitely allowed to slip out of mind, that maybe should be reevaluated. This particular year started out pretty amazingly. It was the fulfillment of a goal. It brought with it a stronger feeling of confidence, and a boost to a self-esteem which had been all but hacked to shreds a year earlier. It brought new relationships and a comfort of being in my own skin which I have often seemed to previously lack. But the year has definitely ended in a question mark. I’m as open at this point to change as I’ll probably ever be again.

Personal Goal: Get more involved in my community.

My current living situation has been marked as “temporary” in my mind for at least two years now. That’s allowed me to feel that investing in “my” community did not currently apply. It was some future priority that I would have when I was settled into my actual community. What a silly thought, but true. Gone has been any real notion of volunteering or becoming truly a part of where I’m living right NOW. I want that to change.

Personal Goal: Let myself shine

You know that poem “Our Deepest Fear”, the one about not being afraid about being your best you.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

That’s the sort of thing I guess I’m talking about. It’s easy to hide away, feel self-conscious about yourself and not let others see the best you. Maybe it should not be this way, but it is. We live in a world of judging and being judged, but I’m starting to realize that regardless of how I act, what I do or say, people will still judge me. So I just want to let myself shine.

Career Goal: Take it one step at a time.

I would say this has been the hardest aspect of my life for me to swallow. I feel capable of accomplishing many things, but I feel I have very little to show for all my capabilities and talents. This is definitely the product of certain choices. It’s definitely partly the product of my personality, upbringing and many years of not really knowing what I wanted. Of course there’s that luck factor, and “you are who you know” aspect of work life that no school career counseler will ever let you in on. I guess my goal is to take it one step at a time from this point forward. Take what I can get; find a way to support myself financially, but stay open to what the future may bring, and being ok with that.


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